I’ve done a terrible job of keeping current on the blog. I’ve been round and round with health issues. I even had an emergency room visit late at night where I was experiencing tingling and numbness in both arms and was out of it. I was afraid I was having a heart attack, since heart disease is rampant in my family. My sister died at 53 of a heart attack, my dad had his first attack in his 50’s, my grandfather’s heart burst at 57, and my mom has congestive heart failure. Enough of the family history because they didn’t find anything wrong heart-wise.
I don’t know if I’m going through another bout of fibromyalgia, but I’m dizzy with possible inner-ear problems. I’m 46 and falling apart! The hardest part is not knowing what’s wrong and not wanting to spend a fortune on tests and doctors. But the exhaustion, aches and pains and most of all lack of sleep are killing me! So if you’re reading this, say a little prayer for wisdom for me and patience for my family as they deal with me.
I am in the process of getting my parents’ house ready to be sold, which means going through all their possessions and choosing what to keep, what to sell and what to give away. It’s so hard on my Mom to go to the house and see her whole life as just temporary things. I hope she knows the woman she is will be her legacy, not the things she possesses. I have trouble with that myself.
I feel completely torn each day with someone needing me constantly: M and S with school and emotional issues; Joshua with learning to drive and growing into a young man; Rachel still living at home and needing some “Mommy hug time”; my parents needing my to cheer them up and visit as often as possible as well as deal with their house; and my niece Jennifer needing a substitute Mom even though I fail miserably at it. Only God knows what each day holds and where my priorities should lie.
Then I have my A-personality that needs to “accomplish” something in each day. God is constantly teaching me about Himself and His desires to fill my heart with joy and peace. That’s an extremely hard thing right now. But I’m trying. And sometimes that’s enough. The pressures I put on myself are not from God. They are from Satan trying to distract me from the real work at hand: to be a godly wife, mom, fellow believer and friend. I pray somehow people see Jesus in me, through the good and the bad, happy and sad times. He is my all in all, and my reason for being here on earth. One day in heaven all my questions will be answered, but for now God wants my trust and entire being focused on Him. I’m trying, Lord!