Can it really be a month since I posted? How things change and yet stay the same. After my mom’s assault her health has declined quite a bit. Still dealing with the nursing home, lawyers and hospitals. But last Thursday I got the now familiar call that my mom was headed back to the hospital. She was having chest discomfort so they took her in. She ended up staying in the emergency room for 17 hours before they got her a room. Then she was there until Monday, with a night in CICU. My dad was so lonely and scared in the nursing home by himself. I refuse to ask, what next, Lord?! My head literally spins with the needs of my family, both extended and here at home. I know God sees a way out of the tunnel I am in, but sometimes I don’t. All I really know for sure is that He loves me. Unconditionally. And I am to model my life after His. Oh, how difficult that is.
For those who read my blog with RADishes of their own, know that you are often my lifeline in human form. I read your blogs and am so grateful to know that others have experienced the same difficulty with adoption and children that are traumatized and damaged. God is the ultimate Healer but He can’t do His work unless these children will let Him. And it all starts with us moms. And I’ve been at this for almost 9 years and I still cry at the anger that I’m shown just because I love them. It’s twisted parenting. Seriously. Only if you have a child like this do you understand. And I read the support group postings online, too. This small little club is full of awesome men and women wanting to make a difference in the life of a child. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The loneliest journey. The most unfair task. To take the blame for birth parents that did drugs, abused kids and gave them away like they were worthless. Trying to stay sane in the midst of insanity. And homeschool kids that would rather die than learn. Constant manipulation, lies, destruction of property and what I call “the poor orphan mentality.” I have the right to act this way because my parents abandoned me. You have the right to FEEL this way. You don’t have the right to HURT those who love you.
But I see S making strides and wanting my approval desperately. She can be a joy to be around, as long as M isn’t allowed to have any influence over her. She’s not strong enough to resist his anger and manipulation. But she’s getting there. M is stuck. Pure and simple. Stuck with his fears and his “I’m all alone” mentality. Refusing to see the truth. That his “real” parents have stuck with him through thick and thin. And continue to love him, as seemingly impossible as that feels. But love is not a feeling. It’s a choice. Say that with me. Say it again. It’s a choice. If I had to “feel” loving towards these kids they would have been booted out a long time ago. So would my husband, but that’s a different story! It’s the same choice Eve had with the serpent. Turn away from sin or take what looks good and pay the consequences. Everyday we must turn from the sin of our human nature and love unconditionally, rejecting Satan and his influence. Thank the Lord He wants to teach us this lesson over and over……and over and over. Ouch. My kids and your kids are worth the sacrifice. I believe that. I just have to remind myself sometimes. Okay, a lot of the times. Thank God for second chances, for us and our precious children.