A Time to Mourn

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After that last post where my mom looked so good, comes this post where she doesn’t. Mom went into the hospital on Monday, April 20th and just went back to the nursing home today. Getting doctors or nurses to give you information is close to pulling teeth but today I was told she has had pneumonia and her continued congestive heart failure. She has about 30 percent of her heart function and medicine is the only realistic option for treating her. However, this medicine seems to make her more shaky and unsteady so it may not be an option for the long-term, however long that may be.

My dad has been gone only a little over 2 months and my mom seemed to be feeling better and working hard to participate in activities. She may get better from where she is now, but I don’t know that for sure. It seems like some of the fight has gone out of her. I completely understand this. Sharing life with my dad for 64 years makes her seem lost without him. I can’t do much to help. Make sure the nursing facility meets all her needs. Handling her finances and taking care of the sale of her house. Calling her every day. Seeing her as often as possible. Praying for her a bunch. Just loving her and telling her. Putting it in the hands of God and not wanting to see her suffer.

Thanking God for her 84 years so far and being grateful to be her daughter. I watched her take care of her mother as an only child and feeling like one myself, in spite of the fact that I have a brother still living. My only sister died almost 9 years ago, and I miss her desperately when I stop long enough to feel. To grieve. To ponder. To be overwhelmed.

There are many things I am not, but loyal and responsible is one thing I am. I have been faithful to take care of my parents, especially over the last 18 months. It has not been easy or enviable. I feel like Gumby, torn and stretched beyond belief. I’m afraid to grieve. Afraid if I open that door I won’t be able to feel anything else. Afraid the tears won’t stop. But knowing there will come a day when I need to do this in order to move on and be healthy emotionally and physically.

I’m so grateful for the years God has given me with my parents, and one day I will touch the pain that is inside my heart since my dad died. I will let myself drown in the memories and delight in being his daughter. But for now I will be the loyal and faithful daughter and relish the time with my mom. Life is short. Hug those you love and tell them.

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