When I started this blog it was a way for me to record some events and feelings that would probably eventually make it to a scrapbook page. I didn’t do it for anyone other than myself and my family. I didn’t know what was to come in my life in the near future: my parents’ sickness and nursing home move; becoming their primary caregiver in getting their needs met; my dad passing on Feb. 15; my mom being hospitalized 4 times this year and the decline in her health. No one expects these things to happen to them. No one WANTS these things to happen. So I haven’t been writing. I squander my time at night trying to muster the energy and enthusiasm to put my life on paper. It doesn’t come. I’m still in denial at my dad’s death. Still exhausted from waiting for the phone to ring for that next emergency room visit. I’ve lost my passion for homeschooling, and very often the strength to continue to parent my “special needs” kids as well as my other two. I don’t quit. But I merely survive. And I’ve decided that sometimes that has to be enough. I’m hanging on, sometimes barely and sometimes with a little humor, but I’m hanging. Holding on to the God who loves me when I feel like a failure when I can’t do it all. Or do much of anything besides take kids places, keep the laundry done and the meals cooked, and listen to my family as patiently as I can. And surprise, surprise, I haven’t slept well in a long while.
I cling to hope because without hope there is no reason to get out of bed, no reason to keep loving difficult children who push me away, no reason to go to church and pray for sustenance. I believe God has a purpose for my life that I can’t see right now. I know He’s made me a caregiver for so many family members. I know it’s the highest calling, to serve others, but honestly, it’s just plain hard. I feel like I’ve learned this lesson but God obviously has more for me to learn! I live with fears of the phone ringing with bad news, fears of financial struggles, fears that M and S will stray from our family and faith as they get older, fears that I’m just not strong enough to deal with all this, and fears of failure. Some of these fears have root causes, others are Satan’s way of stealing my joy. Either way, it’s a battlefield. Am I alone in this or is most of the rest of the world just as overwhelmed? God gives us only what we can handle, and I know my story is not unique in any way. I know I’m the “sandwich” generation. But I like so much that someone told me I was the creme in the Oreo cookie. I like that thought much better! Give me some chocolate and I’m good to go!
So I’m hoping my writer’s block, exhaustion, and general life weariness is easing, that I can commit to not keeping things inside. Here’s to being the transparent woman I so want to be!