Transparency – ouch!

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So in the interest of transparency, I lost it last night. Big time. But not with M and S. They weren’t even here! Tim, Rachel, Joshua and I went out to Moe’s (welcome to Moe’s!) for a late dinner. This is an extreme rarity, to have the four “original” Walden’s out alone. I guess I was thinking about how long it had been and how different things are now. Rachel and Joshua are no longer kids. They are young adults with lives of their own. (Yes, it really has been that long!) So I sat at dinner feeling left out of my own family, for no good reason except Satan wanted to cause unrest in my soul. And he did. You have to understand, Walden humor is witty and sometimes biting. Gotta keep up with the flow to stay in the game! I was just feeling time pass me by and got in a crabby mood which escalated at Krispy Kreme (free donut day!) until later Rachel and I went at it. This is my child who I adored as a teenager but am baffled by as a young woman. She is strong willed, opinionated, feisty and needy all at the same time. I marvel at her strength and determination. But sometimes we butt heads and it ain’t pretty. She fights like her dad, remembers everything I say when I can’t remember my last 2 sentences. Irritating to say the least. I cried buckets. And buckets. And Joshua had friends over. Great. What a fine example I was. But we always work it out. Always. We love each other too much and need that resolution. I look at her and see my failures as a mother. God looks at her and sees strength of character and conviction. Here is where Satan has a field day in my heart. Takes my weak moments and turns them into valleys. It was an all out battle for my peace of mind. I was sad and depressed and grieving and emotional and self pitying. I let Satan cause unrest when I should have been focusing on the blessings staring at me in the face. But I heard my own words come back at me from my daughter. “Mom, those are lies straight from Satan. He wants you to believe those things and they aren’t true.” Ask any of my children. They’ve heard that a hundred times. And it was such a blessing knowing she could see the enemy working on me and knew what to do. “You’re an incredible mother, and I wouldn’t be who I am without you. You may never hear it from M and S, but thank you for the sacrifice and investment you’ve made in my life.” Take that, Satan!

Because you see, I’m not one of those super women, perky, got it all together, perfect kids, all academic scholars type of life. I am a walking specimen of grace, so undeserved and yet so freely given. I know when Satan is messing with me and I gotta gird up for the battle. Accept my failures, make it right and move on. If there’s one thing S and M and B have taught me it’s what wounds wrong beliefs can inflict on your heart. As an adult, I’m having to undo many of the things I believe about myself and learn to look at myself through God’s love and His word. And I will keep fighting. Because that’s something I do very well!

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  1. Wendy says:

    Thanks for your transparency Marty. I’ve only been a foster mom for 15 months to 2 children that have now gone back to their mom and I was scared to death at the yuck in me that surfaced during that time. I kept thinking I shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe I’m not supposed to be a mom. I see that it really is only by God’s grace that any of it can be done. So glad to see how much you have grown in the Lord through the years; that’s exciting.

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