I know I probably seem like such a deep, introspective woman from my blog. Ha! I just struggle with understanding AND accepting my place in this world. I agonize over doing the right thing and expecting so much from myself that I’m always a failure in my eyes. But what does God do? He lets me have conversations with my children that are like looking in a mirror. For the good or bad, my kids are a huge reflection of me. No one else invests the kind of time and energy in their lives, their education, their hearts. I was called to be their mom and one day their friend. I see the results of years of hard work in my oldest when Rachel is the one to encourage me to persevere on this journey. To remind me of God’s calling on my life and heart. To tell me all the things I did right through our many years together. What a blessing and comfort she is.
Tonight I did “cuddle time” with M and S, which consists of holding them one at a time in my lap in the rocking chair while I look lovingly in their eyes and we talk or “process” the day or the issues we’ve had. I did NOT want to do this tonight. Tim has been sick in bed most of the day and I didn’t get the “relief” he usually supplies, whether through encouragement or just a moment to myself. But as I say so often, we did it anyway, whether I “felt” like it or not! And I’m reminded of the deep grief M still lives with as I try to help him move on to being a “real” little boy. Helping him to reach for the “good kind of love,” not the “icky kind” that fills him up and makes his behavior so challenging. I can see in S’s eyes that she “gets it” and is beginning to have empathy for me and this path we have walked together. Empathy and conscience. Praise God for that! Without them we are a shell of a person without the essence of God’s nature in us.
It was a terrible start to our first day of homeschooling for the new year, or so I thought at the beginning of the day. Same old struggles, same old frustrations, same old kids! What did I expect? I’m the same old me!!! So we continue to process, to pray and plead and hope. And that’s all God expects and desires from us, from me. God, as I so often express to my kids, help me to see myself through Your eyes. Your creation, beautifully and wonderfully made.