I guess I’m not one for long titles 🙂 I just finished watching some old family videos with the 4 kids plus Rachel’s “significant other”. They were from our early years after the adoption. So much has happened in 9 years that I have blocked out a great deal of the ugliness. But somewhere along the way I think I have carried a lot of guilt over everything that happened in our family. That somehow I should have been able to protect all the kids and known what to look out for from the beginning. I HAD NO IDEA. No idea what to expect when taking in 3 kids. No idea what to look for or boundaries to set. So somewhere on this path I have felt that it was my fault. That I didn’t do enough, love enough, laugh enough. But I have loved. Through trials and tribulations and grief and fear and pain. Not perfectly, but to the best of my ability. And the guilt I’ve felt for not doing things right is just wrong. I look back and see all the attention I doled on M and S. They were adorably cute. But I can see hints now looking back. And B. So many things I see now and wish I could have prevented.
But the truth in this situation is that I did NOT make these children this way. Their birth parents, in all their selfishness and inadequacies did. That may be harsh, but it’s the truth. I can’t put these kids in my womb and give birth to them. I’m just part of the healing process. I pray I’m part of the healing process. Because I’ve done everything I know to do and even more. I’ve sacrificed more than I ever believed possible, but the outcome is in their hands. I can’t change anyone but myself. And I’m not going to believe anymore that somehow if I had done one thing, or many things, differently our lives would have been different. I love them, unconditionally. I pray for the strength to love them through the many difficult years to come. I hope beyond hope that I did enough with my birth kids to help them see God through the fiery trials. Yet I’m still sad. It’s not fair to anyone, but that’s the ugly reality that is RAD. God, give me strength.