I guess this post is determined to write itself tonight, since I already took half an Ambien after my traumatic evening and I still can’t sleep. So here goes. I’m back in the club. The club for mothers of RAD kids that seem like they will never heal. I thought I had become a former member because Sand M have been doing so well, relatively. The holidays have been tough, but it almost felt more like normal annoying kid stuff. We had a couple of panic attacks and stress from our big church production. An almost meltdown from M on Christmas Eve, managed to pull it together again. S did the same thing later but held it together fairly well. Many things were irritating but nothing life shattering. Until tonight.
M and S have been pulling the old passive aggressive behavior that makes me crazy. Using I forgot, not finishing their chores, misplacing things like I won’t miss them, I didn’t hear you, all those old “tricks”. So I told them they were going to bed half an hour earlier for nickel and dimeing me to death on the behaviors. But we were having cuddle time, first with M, where I used lots of pizazz and funny voices and giggles to get through to him. I scooted M out of my lap and he had tears in his eyes. I miss it when you don’t sing to me he said. Then why didn’t you ask for it and I pulled him back into my lap to sing “I love you M, oh yes I do, I love you M, I will be true, when you’re not with me, I’m blue. Oh M I love you. That’s “our” song for cuddle time.
Then with S she immediately disconnected from me, played dumb, argued and obviously didn’t want to work so I told her to go take her meds and brush her teeth. I decided to watch her (because in times past she wouldn’t take her meds but hide them, just allergy med) since I knew she was mad. I told her to go to the bathroom and she yelled that she had to clean her ears (newly pierced, a big deal). I told her again to go to the bathroom and she finally stomped off. She was having nothing to do with any instruction I was giving. I got her to bed and walked out while she said don’t even say goodnight. Emphasis on walking away and not arguing (for me). After a while I decided to show her grace because we try to keep from going to bed with major issues going on. I asked her if she was ready to connect and deal with her heart and she said yes. We did cuddle time in the rocking chair again and for the most part she connected but she was still arguing and blaming me for being cranky today (which I wasn’t). Obviously she still wanted to go round and round. This time when I sent her to her room I told her I needed the alarm on her door to keep her safe and to protect her from damaging behaviors in the middle of the night. Well, that flipped her out. (As a side note, I use the alarms during the day if I rest in the afternoon because I want to protect them from each other and the ability to make bad choices together.) She stood at the door of her room (which is very small) and wouldn’t let me come in or close the door. Flashes of her past rages were coming left and right. I walked away to get a grip and figure it out. It was only me since M had gone to bed and everyone else was gone. I sat down in the den and took out my Nancy Thomas go to book to refresh my memory because it’s been a couple of years since the rages stopped. Decided I would give her the choice of laying down like she was supposed to be doing or have me start taking things from her room. She was reading a book (while guarding the door) so I immediately fought over that. I took the fish bowl because I figured the fish couldn’t protect itself 🙂 Then I went for her brand new fuzzy queen blanket that all my kids have now. She fought me tooth and nail over that one and I refused to get physical and dropped it. (She said later when I dropped it I proved that her anger was stronger than me and she wanted to keep fighting some more.) Later I tried to restrain her but physically couldn’t at that point. I tried for the blanket again and this time it got physical. She started hitting me and got me in the face with an arm or hand. I flashed back to B and the long months of this same behavior and I felt physically sick. I left the room shaking and crying, only to call their therapist which I’ve only talked to about 3 times this year. I call her to pick her brain when I’m stuck. She sweetly called me right back and started asking what happened, what had proceeded most recently. At this time Tim had come home and was restraining her since he’s a lot stronger than me. Once S figured out he wasn’t giving in she stopped fighting (after she spit in his face).
I put her therapist on speakerphone and she told S she could either talk with me about this or come and stay with her while she helped her figure it out. After much prodding she said she’d work it out with me in the morning. I went in the other room to continue the conversation and Tim started taking things out of her room that she might try and destroy. The therapist and I decided several things could be going on: she could be getting ready to start her period (she’s almost 12), shoot me now; she’s been sick 3 times recently and this could be proof that the attachment has become rock solid and this was one last fit for the road (let’s hope so); she has a secret that is tearing her up (been through this before and it was ugly); or just a culmination of all the life things that have happened this year (my dad dying in Feb., my mom in the hospital 7 times this year and hospice has been called in, Rachel getting engaged in the near future, just big life things that have effected me the most but little ones have trouble processing. A few minutes later I went in and put the blanket around her and she was crying and I asked if she wanted to talk tonight or tomorrow. We ended talking at least half an hour or more about what happened. I’m not sure she really knows why it happened, just that the anger felt really, really good. But she was broken inside because she had hit me and spit on her daddy. I believe she truly loves us and is incredibly remorseful, but let’s face it, anger is a whole lot easier to live with than grief. Tonight I also told her to get out her memory kit and I would teach her to scrapbook when all the decorations were down tomorrow. I think that scared her because that was sharing my passion for my hobby with her and choosing to spend time with her. So I guess it’s still a big crapshoot. We will be going to see her therapist soon just to touch base and get some more insights. We are approaching the teen years, which have been wonderful with my bio kids, and we’re praying won’t be a nightmare for my RADishes.
So there you have it. A lot of something and not much of nothing. I feel completely humbled and baffled. I thought I had learned not to take things for granted because at any moment they can change, and usually do.