Welcome to 2010. Like Corey said, can I have a do over? I don’t know how else to put it, but I am discouraged. Not crawl under the covers, can’t get out of bed depressed, just plain discouraged. After S’s big fit/attack on me, I think I’m having PTSD flashbacks. Seriously. I know that sounds crazy, even to me, but it’s like I’m living through hell again with B. What we went through 5 years ago (and the previous 4 years before that) were hell. My body has never returned to a true place of rest. And with all that has happened with my parents the last 2 years, I feel like there is never a moment without waiting for the bottom to fall out, the phone to ring, one more hospital vigilance, S or M to wake up and be unmanageable. I hate this place of hyper-sensitivity. If I were more educated I could probably figure it all out, but who has the energy to get educated? The thought of reading one more attachment book makes me nauseous. I’ve dusted off my Nancy Thomas and that was bad enough. I am traumatized. Is it unbearable? No. Do I need medication? Probably but who would believe me? We’re going back to therapy this week, and I hate that. Not because it won’t help, if even just for me, but because it feels like failure. I know it’s just one step backward but it “feels” like I’m in a nightmare again.
This should all prove to me how far we’ve come. I know. I know. I won’t live on feelings because they change. But right now I’m feeling discouraged and I’m going to go have a pity party. Anybody want to join me? I got a takeout plate from Cookout (barbecue, french fries, fancy shake) and I’m going to enjoy feeding my face. I’m not an emotional eater, but tonight I’m going to be. (Besides, I save half of it for tomorrow, does that count?)