Tonight I am heartbroken and fearful. We have prayed for M and S for 10 years now and had custody of them almost as long, since they were 2 and younger. We have poured our lives and hearts and faith into them, the same as we have our bio kids. Worked 10 times harder at reaching their hearts, answering their questions, calming their fears. I dare anyone to say I haven’t given everything to them. I have sacrificed sleep, financial security, friends, reputation. All because of a calling from God. Not to glorify ourselves but Him. It’s been a long, lonely journey that is nowhere near over. Yet we are struggling mightily. M is in his birthday funk and arguing and muttering constantly. They have this “ickiness” together that keeps me from allowing them to be alone or out of my sight. The alarms are in place to keep them safe from each other and themselves, from having freedom they can’t handle.
I am incredibly diligent when it comes to what I allow my family to put in their hearts and minds. I check over their library books and CDs and they aren’t allowed to watch hardly any TV, only DVD’s we’ve approved. M has come to me a couple of times with a CD that had bad language in it. He gave me one tonight, which I found out was by the author of The Golden Compass, a controversial book/movie that I know is New Age, anti-God. He had slipped it by me because I had already said no once. But he did point out the cuss words and said he knew it was wrong. S, however, wanted to listen to it and could not begin to understand why it was wrong. Knowing the words were inappropriate language, she argued with her very soul that it was “just a couple of words, what was wrong with that?” She wouldn’t be saying them. Could not grasp that what we put in our mind and heart comes out the same way. So what’s wrong with stealing a couple of candy bars, or stealing food or clothes or having se* with just a “couple of boys.” This is my deepest fear for these two. That what they say they believe is only skin deep. That they don’t get how deep and how wide the love of my Savior is. They believe they are throw away kids and will never be anything else. How do I change that? Can I even have an impact? After 10 years is there any hope? Losing hope is my other biggest fear. Because without hope this journey is excruciatingly painful and without merit. Without hope there is no need to get out of bed. Without hope, my faith is in vain.
What is good enough? Is it good enough to just hope they manage to stay out of jail and not hurt anyone but themselves? Is this the best we can expect? Is wanting God to transform their hearts selfish? Yet I know I will keep going because I don’t know any other answer. I believe in a God who works miracles but I don’t know that S and M want one. And if they don’t, all I can do is keep on keepin’ on. Cling to the God who loves all of us equally. Pray. Pray. Pray. And surrender. This hurts my heart.
So happy Valentine’s Day anniversary to my sweet husband. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my father’s death. I am not immune to grief and pain.