Yesterday was, um, interesting. S and M had therapy and since S was already being disrespectful she went first. She would not let go of the issue that her older sister could talk to her and tell her what to do. We have given Rachel authority to do that because she has taken care of the littles from day one, been an integral part of our family team. Kelly (therapist) kept telling her that if she really believed in Jesus and had accepted Him (gotta love this woman, I sure do!) she had to live under God’s laws. Because we run our home under God’s laws S has to agree to follow them as well. S kept saying no one was perfect, she can’t tell me what to do. She would not let go of this. Kelly finally asked her if she wanted to be part of the family and S looked at her and said no. Alrighty then. End of session. I ended up leaving S with Kelly for the rest of the day and night to give her an “opportunity” to straighten up and realize she is blessed with a family. This can only be expressed as a stronghold in S’s life, something she had to cling to with all her might. I think God is convicting her and she’s running from Him. Whether she truly believes in God and wants a relationship with Him, as well as us, only S knows. Later that night I talked to S and she said she wanted to come home. Kelly is trying to get through to her that the yelling and back talking is not acceptable. Living under God’s laws means that she won’t be perfect but must accept responsibility for her actions. Yesterday she could not do that. If you can’t accept responsibility you can’t ask for forgiveness and there is a rift.
The hardest part for me? PTSD flashbacks. Life with B. Unbearable. Angry. Fearful. She recreated the environment she grew up in. Our home became an unsafe place to be. For us. For our children. I hated that. Despised it. Yesterday the nausea, fears, panic, dread, depression all came flooding back in. What if S really wasn’t attached? What if the next seven years before adulthood are just getting started on that roller coaster? We tell the littles that our teenagers are fun to be around, respectful, responsible. And really they are. Joshua and Rachel are not typical teenagers. We don’t really fight, no tantrums, maybe heated discussions or normal living within parental guidelines. But not the animosity like I have seen with S lately. What if S won’t heal? What if it’s just a sham? Maybe S is faking it all. If she is, she can’t be trusted. Is creepy compliance better than no compliance? (I coined this term to mean the over the top, so happy to be doing this chore for you, huge smile plastered all over their face.) My biggest fear? How do I live in the prison like the one B created for me? I KNOW S is not B, but do we really know our kids, their hearts? We are big on reaching their hearts, not just changing their behavior because if we don’t once they leave our home their behavior will change. These fears overwhelmed me yesterday.
One of the biggest trials of living in a home with a wounded child is the changing of the home’s atmosphere. I have done everything to forgive and forget what we went through with B, but there are times when M and S will do something that throws me back in time. Angry is the best way to describe the feelings that surrounded our home. Anger at the abuse that was done to our kids by our kid, the abuse done to me. It simmers constantly. Waiting for a new revelation, a new secret to be revealed, an outburst or hatred spewed on me. Praying constantly for a way to live in thatfai hell. It was awful. I don’t ever want to go back there. That’s my biggest fear. It’s not just that I want an easier life, who doesn’t? I don’t want to live in a place that is filled with disrespect and blame and constant fear. As the mom to these children I know what’s is like to always be waiting for something to happen, something fearful and angry. There is never a true peace. There are good days. But as S proved to me yesterday, we’re just a moment away from another pit.
I want to encourage other RAD moms struggling with these same issues. I am so grateful that our home HAS changed, that it’s not always an ugly place. There are battles but it doesn’t always feel like Satan is attacking. The one question I struggle with is why us? Why you? How do we change this? Yes, we change ourselves and I work on this constantly. My response, my facial expression, my attitude. It is flat out hard. Living in this constant stress is unbearable. I don’t have any answers, I just offer my prayers and membership in this club. It is not easy. It goes beyond anything I have dreamed of for my life. It takes constant prayer and grace. I have no guarantees for the future, for your children or for mine. I just know God’s presence is here, even with the anger and fear and attacks. God WILL win the final battle. There is always hope. Without hope there is nothing, for us or our kids.