We had therapy on Friday and it was a doozy. S is stuck, stuck, stuck. (Yes, I like to speak in threes!) Our therapist told her about her dad se*ually abusing her sister B and how B abused her. Talked about the cycle of generational sin and abuse. S and M had been watching some family videos with B in them and that has brought out all these thoughts and wrong beliefs. S also heard therapist and I talking about B on fb. She honestly believes blood is more important than anything. We cannot get through to her that B will never fill the hole in her heart. When she lived with S she was not a sister to her, never cared for her or played with her or loved on her like Rachel has done. She’s waiting around for her fantasy birth family to show up and it’s not going to happen. I think doing the attachment challenge just pushed her away farther because she is angry and withdrawn.
I read all the blogs of moms of RAD kids just to know I’m not alone, to know other people’s lives are just as messy. I think that’s what life is. Messy. I like clean and neat, straightforward, honest. This life is not. I struggle with pouring too much time into my adopted kids and wondering if I shortchanged my bio kids. Somebody please tell me I’m not alone. I see my bio kids as strong and secure and fun to be around. I’m proud of them. I like them. I struggle to say that with M and S. I don’t know when to back up and withdraw myself because it just gets too hard and everybody is affected. You know, if Mama ain’t happy….I wonder if there is a point that I will give up, especially on homeschooling. Right now I feel like they don’t deserve the privilege of homeschooling. Years of playing dumb and doing school wrong on purpose has worn me down. I’ve lost my joy in teaching. There are moments where I regain it and feel secure in my beliefs about homeschooling. But most days are not fun, not enlightening, just plain drudgery.
Joshua graduates next year and already I mourn. God willing, he will be going off to college and I will be lonely for his hugs and his encouragement. Rachel will be engaged sometime in the near future and she, too, will leave. Can I be honest and tell you the thought of just M and S at home terrifies me? I have enjoyed the teenage years with my two oldest, because even the trials have been nothing compared to my two youngest (and B, of course). What does puberty look like for M and S? Terrified. Praying. Praying some more. Sitting in my rocking chair just praying and thinking.
Sorry about the complaining. Really down lately. Tough stuff going on at church. Regression with my RADishes. Messy life.