Messy Life

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We had therapy on Friday and it was a doozy. S is stuck, stuck, stuck. (Yes, I like to speak in threes!) Our therapist told her about her dad se*ually abusing her sister B and how B abused her. Talked about the cycle of generational sin and abuse. S and M had been watching some family videos with B in them and that has brought out all these thoughts and wrong beliefs. S also heard therapist and I talking about B on fb. She honestly believes blood is more important than anything. We cannot get through to her that B will never fill the hole in her heart. When she lived with S she was not a sister to her, never cared for her or played with her or loved on her like Rachel has done. She’s waiting around for her fantasy birth family to show up and it’s not going to happen. I think doing the attachment challenge just pushed her away farther because she is angry and withdrawn.

I read all the blogs of moms of RAD kids just to know I’m not alone, to know other people’s lives are just as messy. I think that’s what life is. Messy. I like clean and neat, straightforward, honest. This life is not. I struggle with pouring too much time into my adopted kids and wondering if I shortchanged my bio kids. Somebody please tell me I’m not alone. I see my bio kids as strong and secure and fun to be around. I’m proud of them. I like them. I struggle to say that with M and S. I don’t know when to back up and withdraw myself because it just gets too hard and everybody is affected. You know, if Mama ain’t happy….I wonder if there is a point that I will give up, especially on homeschooling. Right now I feel like they don’t deserve the privilege of homeschooling. Years of playing dumb and doing school wrong on purpose has worn me down. I’ve lost my joy in teaching. There are moments where I regain it and feel secure in my beliefs about homeschooling. But most days are not fun, not enlightening, just plain drudgery.

Joshua graduates next year and already I mourn. God willing, he will be going off to college and I will be lonely for his hugs and his encouragement. Rachel will be engaged sometime in the near future and she, too, will leave. Can I be honest and tell you the thought of just M and S at home terrifies me? I have enjoyed the teenage years with my two oldest, because even the trials have been nothing compared to my two youngest (and B, of course). What does puberty look like for M and S? Terrified. Praying. Praying some more. Sitting in my rocking chair just praying and thinking.

Sorry about the complaining. Really down lately. Tough stuff going on at church. Regression with my RADishes. Messy life.

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Comments

  1. GB's Mom says:

    So sorry things have been tough. Adolescence with a blooming RADish is enough to scare anybody. I have never home schooled, so I don’t have any help there. I do know that when my RADish went through her teens, the only way I survived was through an excellent support system. I had an outstanding social worker, who only dealt with 6 families at a time, a good therapist who saw through MK games and regular respite so Hubby and I could get away a couple of time a year. I did not home school, but the school district found a small, private special ed high school that met her needs and was close enough for her to attend as a day student.

  2. I have a hard time finding that line, too. The line that separates me from them, from my responsibilities as a parent to a RAD and to my responsibilities to myself. It isn’t cut and dry. Ever. Our attachment therapist calls this (ahem) co-dependency. And the more that I inspect that THING that she gave a name to, the more that I can see that my identity has gotten all wound up in my RAD kid instead of in Christ.
    I don’t know when it happened, but I slowly let the THING take over all of my thoughts and my actions. Shoot, I wake up thinking about her and go to sleep thinking about her.
    So, no, you aren’t alone. And you and I can both work on taking GBs advice – getting out more and letting them go more.

    I’m not sure if you’ve heard it or not but my RAD theme song is ‘Only Have One’ by JJ Heller. You can listen to it here: http://music.napster.com/jj-heller-music/tracks/12036865
    It’s track eight.

  3. marythemom says:

    You are definitely not the only “messy” mom out there!

    I sometimes feel guilty about my biokids too, but do think that in a lot of ways they are better off than they might have been. I don’t know what I would do without their daily hugs to keep me sane (my youngest will be a teen soon and I am SO not looking forward to losing his sweet hugs in exchange for bratty attitude).

    Sometimes you just have to embrace the messiness and know that God has a plan, and the world he’s made rarely is neat and clean.

    You’re doing a great job!

    Hugs and prayers,
    Mary in TX

  4. radmama says:

    I certainly haven’t been doing this as long as you have, and one of the things that causes me the most grief with E is homeschool. Most days he does at least part of his school work wrong on purpose. Yesterday we got stuck for an hour on his insisting that our twenty page book didn’t have a page 4! He found 14, 24, even roman numeral iv, which I didn’t even know he knew (he’s five)! Arrrrgh! One of my online friends who’s also parenting a child with RAD has suggested that we just use the most basic ‘hands-off’, self-directed curriculum we can find. We hand them the material, tell them what to do, and then don’t even check it until they’re not around. She says we should save our joyful, interactive homeschooling approach for the kids who appreciate it. I’m thinking about trying it, despite the yawn I get looking at the wkbk curricula that fit the bill. I’m not going to let E’s RAD steal this joy from me. I’ve already yielded too much.

  5. Meg says:

    I’m sorry things have been so tough. We are not homeschooling in the fall. I am pooped and putting my son back into public school. We’ll see how it goes but I hear you on the fact that it can lose it’s luster with special needs kids. It’s hard on mom, for sure.

  6. Lisa says:

    I started homeschooling a few of my special needs kids (due to many social issues and the lack of real progress I was seeing in school). It has been a nightmare. My oldest is 17 and has yet to complete an entire high school course. We have tried absolutely everything and spent way….too much time and money dealing with her inability to complete anything and her uncanny ability to play deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to learning. I have to let it go. I HAVE TO. I won’t send her back to school at this point and I anguish over her future. What I have to come to terms with is that I have given her every opportunity and helped her in any and every way possible and that is going to have to be enough. I have grieved over my bio kids growing up and moving out. I know it’s natural and expected, but I feel like I haven’t had enough time with them. I’ve been shortchanging my older kids for years because they are strong and don’t look or act like they need me as much. The younger kids are so….demanding – they are impossible to ignore. What I do put my foot down about now is that when the older kids come home for holidays or special occassions that the younger kids will NOT monopolize my time. If they cannot behave, I will find a sitter to leave them at and I will not let them ruin any more birthdays or holidays just because they can. Puberty has not been kind to my sib group of 3 (now 15, 16, 17) and the challenges are really scary sometime – but we are getting thru it and with His guidance learning to let go more and let them experience their own consequences. Hang in there!

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