Yesterday was the worst RAD day we’ve had in a while. We are making M’s world smaller and smaller and his true self is coming out more and more. The best thing I’ve done is separate M and S. Unfortunately, it lets me see how very far M is from healing. To the outside world everything looks fine. But just as with B, when you take away the ability to manipulate and feed the “dark side” you are left with reality and it’s not pretty. Found out yesterday he had sucked on his arms so hard he left a “hicky” on them. Have no idea what that is all about. Not sure I want to know. He said he was bored.
I have M on chores around the house, things that I do normally with all of them, but he’s doing most of them himself. Dusting CD’s, dusting books, some spring cleaning things. He had the audacity a couple of days ago to say all he’s been doing was chores all day. Really???? He dusted three shelves. So I guess I’m out to prove it could be worse. If he’s not going to work towards a relationship I guess we’re back to working for things. If he is rejecting his family, why should he get all the extras? The gooey desserts, the family Wipeout time, unlimited talking, games as a family. Why should he be allowed to make the rest of us miserable? Especially Mama. ‘Cause if Mama ain’t happy…….
And yes, it makes me feel like a bad mom to take these things away. That’s what I hate. Feeling bad about myself when I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve been at this 10 years. He’s had all the relationship building, RAD loving, acceptance, cuddle time, grace, you name it he’s gotten it. And where is he? Obviously still at the beginning. I’m doing all the work. He’s asking God to do all the work. He’s not willing to risk a thing and stretch out his hand to get out of the pit. I can’t do it for him. And for my sanity and emotional well being I have to withdraw. So today the plan is for him to do some more chores, work on a puzzle at the table, write in his journal, read. I guess I should realize how far I have come when it’s the first time I’ve let him (or them) get to me in a long, long time. Being pushed beyond normal kid stuff. I didn’t lose it with them but I was miserably unhappy.
The great thing in having a God who loves me? In the middle of writing this my oldest, Rachel, texted me to tell me what an amazing mom I am and how much she loves me. Doesn’t get any better than that.