Therapy was rough on Monday. I told M I was taking the big dog with me to jumpstart him since he’s been stuck for a while. That would be Tim, my husband, a big guy you don’t want to mess with. He’s been to therapy on different occasions but hasn’t been immersed in it like me. He believes in our therapist because she’s been there for us through the worst, discovering B’s se*ual abuse, living through her false accusations, rages and lies and stealing and the usual. This is a Christian woman who knows God’s calling on her life and has helped more children than imaginable. I am grateful every day to God for bringing her into our life. I shudder to think where we would be without her.
So K (our therapist) couldn’t get through to any genuine emotion with M. She wrapped him in a sheet while he lay on the floor and told him this was his life. His control had kept him from his family and left him completely helpless. We watched on the video as he lay there for 30 minutes, not trying to get out, no emotion, just laying there. All he had to do was scoot around to get out and he wouldn’t move. She went in a couple of times and it took almost an hour, with her in his face trying to reach the inner recesses of his heart, for him to find any depth of feeling. She told me he was like an infant, that I had given to him all these 10 years and he has taken, with no capability of returning any love or affection, nothing genuine. He is an empty vessel. He can perform on command, act like a normal kid, be polite and smart. But he is empty. I guess I’m just realizing, and coming to the point of accepting it. K told M that we could live with him like this, but he was not a family kid, was not reaching for us. She told him that some of her hardest cases were kids that had been adopted at birth (it was 15 months for us) who had no real moment of crisis to blame their issues on. It breaks my heart but I have had to disengage, stop all the therapeutic conversations because it’s like talking to a baby. It’s not getting through to him. It’s all on him now. I have seen no change in him since Monday. Maybe he’s not using the “orphan child” look as much but he’s not reaching. His hugs feel empty and pointless. He “acts” like everything is fine and says the right things but he is truly empty.
K told M that the only way to fill himself up was a relationship with God. She told him he needed to be on his knees before God at least 3 times a day. She asked him to pray in front of her and he couldn’t even find words. It’s as if he’s never prayed or really reached out for anything. I am not falling on the floor weeping or so mad I need to be exercising to get out my anger. I’m just incredibly disappointed and sad. I honestly don’t have anything else to give him other than what I’ve been doing for 10 years. If he can’t let go of the control and enter into a relationship what can I do? I just know that it really is on him this time. His choice. His life. Too bad he affects so many others in our home.
On the bright side, all the time we’ve kept M and S apart has been so good for S. She is delightful to be around, working hard to please us, laughing and very positive. M and S are not allowed to talk to each other except at the dinner table or in the car. Maybe that’s why M seems so empty. His grip on S has been removed and he only has himself now. Him against us. Why does it have to be like that?