We’re dealing with some incredibly hard stuff around these here parts (spoken in my best Southern twang). When I think that there are no more secrets to unfold, bang! here we go again. Adding abuse issues over the last few years to the RAD mix can be combustible. I’m struggling to separate the sin from the sinner and know I can continue to love even when I don’t feel it. Trying not to lose hope that God is the complete healer yet recognizing the victims/conspirators have to want to change.
My problem? I think I’m dead emotionally. I haven’t cried, haven’t fallen apart, am coping wonderfully. But I feel empty with nothing left to give. It’s been 10 years of uncertainty, fear, loneliness and sometimes pure hell. Will it ever end? I know all the right words to say to everyone else and I know this will pass. I feel like a failure, a bad mother, a closed wife. I know those are the words of this moment, but I need reassurance that God loves even the least of these.
The added stresses: my sister died at age 53 ten years ago, I have taken care of my parents the last three years, with my dad dying last year, my mom has been seriously ill and it all falls on my shoulders. My oldest son will graduate next year and hopefully go on to college and my oldest daughter will be married. My husband at age 49 is finishing his college degree and my life is full of uncertainties. But even with that said, I am still grateful that we’re all basically healthy, those that should be are employed and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. God is still on His throne and He still loves me in spite of my failures and unbelief. And really, is there anything greater?