Our therapist K has told us we’re at the beginning with M. After all his secrets have come out it’s all too apparent that he’s an empty vessel. He’s not trying anymore to pretend to be part of our family. Because really, that’s all he’s done for ten years now. I look into his eyes and see the eyes of B, six years ago, when it became apparent we couldn’t keep our family safe with her here. She went to a facility for se*ually abused kids and never came home. She worked the system, worked her therapists and later her therapeutic foster parents. She made false accusations against us and destroyed what was left of that relationship. From what I know, she is reunited with much of her birth family, living within a few minutes of us. I haven’t talked to her, but facebook is a very revealing place. And yes, I have fears of her coming to the front door wanting to see S and M. The adults in our home have a game plan for what to do if this happens, which is basically calling the police.
With B, it was so bad during the last few weeks of her living in our home that even now, I can’t go back and read my journals. It’s still too painful and gut wrenching. It flashes me back to the dread at waking her up in the morning, the fear of her abusing me or her home, the knowledge that she had done terrible things in our home and made it a prison for both me and for her.
So six years later I’m looking into another pair of dead eyes and wondering what on earth God is trying to teach me that somehow I haven’t learned through this painful ordeal. Ten years of pouring my life into this child. Was it for nothing? Did it make any difference in his life? What on earth can I say or do now that I haven’t been living out for 10 years? He has been given so many opportunities for grace and forgiveness and all the chances to change. He was the youngest one of the three siblings we adopted, 15 months old. He was not abused physically, didn’t live with his birth parents, but has this generational curse upon his heart. S has broken free from her birth family. What will it take for M to do the same? Is it even possible for two siblings to heal in the same home? I don’t know. I truly don’t know.
M gets mad that we don’t believe him? Really? Can any of you relate? Where is the truth in 10 years of history together? I believe S now because she is free. Praise God, she’s free! I know she will struggle with many things in her life, but the light in her eyes is evidence of the love of God and family. Thank you God for that. But will it ever happen with M? What is our role in all this now? Simply being his caretaker? Having him work towards privileges, like the token system?
The despair I feel is overwhelming. My mother lies dying and I’m distracted by the emptiness of my son. Trying to find joy and peace in the midst of anguish. At church this morning we sang “It is Well With My Soul”, version by Todd Fields of North Point Church. Even as the tears streamed down my face I knew I had to find a place of peace and rest. God is here, among the heart broken, the lost, the angry and the fearful. Lord, come reign over our home and restore Your peace and grace to this place.