A getaway, encouraging words and a panic attack

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My weekend was…..ummmm…..interesting. It was great to get away but I always help with the setup and breakdown of tables, unloading our cars, hauling stuff for people, all that fun stuff. It’s a workout. On Thursday afternoon I talked to my brother, about decisions concerning nursing home negligence, lawyers and her will. My brother said the thing that meant the world to me. “Marty, I am eternally grateful for all that you did for mom and dad when I couldn’t be there.” You have no idea how healing those words were. I have struggled for years with the loneliness of the responsibility for my parents. I knew my brother was there if there was an emergency, but he’s an executive and I’m a stay-at-home mom. Who do you think the responsibility would fall to? But he has rarely said thank you or acknowledged how much of my life I sacrificed. If you ever doubt the healing power of words, don’t.

Speaking of encouraging words, I was convicted by this today. Yet for our stuck RAD child this does not work. I struggled when I read this post because in my heart I believe everything Kelly does, that words are used to build up or tear down. But for my M, after almost 11 years, I can say that at where we are now this does not work. We treated all of our adopted kids the same when they came into our family. With B it took of years of discovery to realize nothing we did seemed to make a difference. After she went to the group home we then realized how deeply M and S were hurt, even though they were young when we got them. So after all these years, I believe I know what works and what doesn’t. S is eating up all the encouragement I can give her. M, nope, nada, zilch. He is a completely empty vessel and I believe nothing short of a relationship with God will change him. We continue to parent him with a care taking love but any extra effort is wasted. We treat him decently, allow him to earn tokens for family time and other privileges, continue to teach him in school, as much as he can handle without sabotage. Our therapist says we should not be investing more than he is. I consider 11 years of investment a pretty heavy burden with no return. And I’m okay with that. I don’t “need” him to love me to make my life complete. I want it because I love him and my heart hurts for him. I feel cold and callous but our home has become a place of peace again. For 11 years one or more of these three have held us hostage. Anger and discomfort and frustration were constant. That is not who we are. I don’t yell, really never have, but anger I’m familiar with. I didn’t like who I became at times. Now, there are good family times without constant sabotage. Why? Because M is separated from us, if not in actual physical space, certainly in his heart. I will cling to the belief that there is hope for him, through the One who gives all hope. But I will not sacrifice my relationships with the rest of my family for one child who doesn’t want a family. His therapist fired him this week. Tim actually took M to therapy and after a very short while K had just had it. She told him he was fired but she would be happy to see us without M, since she “really enjoyed his parents.” Now if at some point he decides to start working then we’re back on. I know K would be there for me anytime I needed her but honestly, it’s in M’s court. Only time will tell.

While I was gone on my weekend we had an incident with another mom that required EMS to take her to the hospital. Here we were, in the middle of 500 acres in the boonies. Pretty surreal, upsetting times. Took all my relaxation and flushed it down the toilet, but being there in a time of need is what God desires from all of us. On Sunday, S called because she had a panic attack at church. Spent the service in the bathroom throwing up or feeling sick. I managed to console her a bit but did not come home early. She has to learn to conquer the fears or at least use her tools in coping with them. Last night she didn’t sleep hardly at all because of all her worries. Most of them center around the fact that she loves me intensely and doesn’t want to lose me. All you RAD moms out there, I hear you cheering! On the other side of that coin, however, is the fear that comes along with knowing that you could lose the one you love. Big, heavy stuff for my almost teenager, but I can use all those encouraging words with her.

As decisions are made as to the the legal ramifications of my mom’s death I will keep you posted if I feel that necessitates taking the blog private. Meetings with lawyers, hours at the courthouse, research on the internet, all these things have taken up so much of my time and energy this year. Just want to honor my mom in her death as I did her life.

Yes, as I’m typing this S is in the middle of another panic attack and throwing up. What in the world is going on?

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  1. When we were going through a particularly hard time, J would act like an angel at Kristy’s office and treat me like a pile of crap at home. It took me a while to figure it out but when I told Kristy she had a talk with J and told her she would only continue working with her if she was working hard at home. J loves Kristy so much it was an instant turnaround for her. Hoping it’s the same for y’all. Thinking of you!

  2. The huge enormous anxiety that a kid with RAD gets when starting to attach… check. Got that at my house too. It’s overwhelming. Good luck to both of you, hope today is better for her.

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