Watch and See

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I’m getting ready to leave for a three-day weekend scrapbooking with some friends. Oh blessed day! And I’m already getting punished by M for leaving. So predictable. I told him he was boring me, that he needed to come up with some less obvious behavior if he really wanted to get to me! He grates on my nerves at times like fingernails on a chalkboard, but it’s nothing like in the past with B at her worst or M when the stress was overwhelming. Most all of the time I’m able just to shut him out and not let him get to me. I’m very disconnected from him but, really, it’s all in his court now. I can live with him like this until he’s 18 and say “see ‘ya!” It won’t be fun but it’s the caretaking love that he can handle. It’s certainly not my prayer for him, but it is his choice. My choice is to remain calm, enjoy my attached kids, and live one day at a time.

M is questioning God big time, which I think is an amazing struggle to watch. He wants me to prove it for him and I can’t. No one can. That’s why it’s called faith. His belief or rejection of God is all on him. But like I told him, what does he have to lose? He’s a miserable empty kid with few privileges. What’s the worst thing that could happen if he believed in God? That God wouldn’t show up? That’s what he believes already. What’s the best that could happen? There’s a God that loves him, has blessed him and wants to take all his pain and strife on His shoulders. Sounds pretty low risk to me, but that’s just me. So I continue to pray and watch.

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  1. Kelly says:

    Good point. I hope and pray he makes to choice to give God a chance. He has never failed me and I know He won’t fail M either.

  2. Lisa says:

    I think it’s so hard for our kids to trust that anything untangible will be “out there” for them. Heck…they can’t even believe “us” and we’re standing in the room. 🙂
    M will get there…. I’m sure of it.

    I’m hoping you have a wonderful time with your friends. Relax and have fun…you so deserve it!

  3. radmama says:

    How do you do it—parent two groups of kids so differently? We are just coming to realize that this is how we will be living. All four of our children are adopted, but the older two have attachment challenges and see us as enemies, or servants, depending on the hour. We feel like we’re surviving them, while at the same time experiencing so many joys with our younger two children.

    It feels almost schizophrenic at times. Guilt-joy. Anger-laughter. Disengagement- seamless attunement.

    And really, really sad.

    We are literally on our faces at times, crying out to God.

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