So Thursday I wiped out (can you tell we watch that show as a family?) It started Wed. night with an out of the blue argument with my oldest, yet began even earlier with a text fight with my husband. That’s really the way to go, texting. Although my husband was writing a dissertation and I was keeping it short. Didn’t last long but the argument resurfaced with Rachel. I felt like she took sides and then got mad, followed by my telling her to stop analyzing me. Of course, she said, what do you expect? I have a therapist for a mom. (Okay, I’m not really a therapist. I don’t get paid to do that but there’s truth in them words). Then……Tim and I just had to continue the discussion. Or really, I worked hard to make myself right. He and Rachel argue logically and that just makes me crazy. They remember every word I say and half the time I can’t remember what we even started fighting about. It was not one of my prettiest moments. Tim and I rarely fight and we don’t yell. But there were some wounds there.
Thurday morning I told him I was taking the day off (he wasn’t working) and I went to our bedroom and holed up for much of the day. Watched shows I’d taped, read the paper, cried, ate. M and S probably thought I was having a breakdown. Or not. S would have been tuned into it but M wouldn’t have a clue. I was being a victim not an overcomer. Those words came back to me and I had to eat them. They weren’t tasty. Tim and I were into round 2 or 3 by this time and worked through some issues, some lies that I believe about my core self. It is painful to see me retreat back into the self esteem struggles I’ve had my whole life. Parenting wounded children has taught me so much about myself, much of it agonizing.
So that’s how I wiped out. I can’t remember doing this in years. I quit my life for a few hours. It didn’t feel good because I was miserable and in pain. But it’s good for me to recognize and change the lies that I believe. The things I ask of my wounded children every day is the same that I should expect from myself. Man, this is hard.