You hurt my feelings.
I feel like you are shoving God down my throat.
I feel. I feel. I feel.
Is this the latest manipulation? After 11 years I think I know M pretty well. These are the things he said today. I could tell when he woke up that it would be one of “those” days. He needed a hug and would NOT ask for it and blames me because I tell him he’s manipulating or his hugs are icky. THEY ARE!!! He completely disobeys, ignores, manipulates and has this energy that is disturbing to me. THEN he asks for a hug. No way. He has had ten years of hugs freely given only to continue to reject. I can tell when he’s using it against me and when he is willing to accept it. Because, really, what does a hug do for my kid when he’s completely shut down? You have to be able to receive it in love. I have to be able to give it in love. If not, it’s just one more game. One more way to push me away. How can something so simple, something I’ve done naturally with all my kids for years, turn into something so ugly?
What started all this? One of the techniques I use to get through to M is by starting a conversation in the front seat of the car with S and talking about M and all the things he’s doing to push us away. I’m being therapeutic without having to look at him or engage him. I’m only talking to S. The conversation was about Rachel’s wedding and vacation. I refuse to spend another vacation miserable with M. Our therapist told us last year we should leave him with her but everybody else (mostly) wanted to give him one more chance. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t fun for me. He triangulates everybody else to make me look like I’m constantly provoking, when everyone knows better. So if we get a vacation this year, and he’s still not working, he is NOT coming.
The second thing is Rachel’s wedding, a day of joy and pleasure. What do I do with M? He’s supposed to be in the wedding as a junior groomsman but I have no idea if he can handle it and not take focus off of the bride and groom. I will NOT let her day be ruined by her little brother. It’s a perfect opportunity for him to triangulate, play orphan child, initiate improper relationships, because I plan to be busy being the mother of the bride, not babysitting my RAD child.
What was M upset about? He said I hurt his feelings. About the wedding or vacation? No, about getting braces. We were coming back from the orthodontist office and I told both of them that kids that do not work, do not want to be part of the family, do not get $5000 braces. That is a PRIVILEGE that comes with responsibilities. It is not a given. If we were a family that was financially prosperous it would be different. We are not. We are frugal, stretching every penny, sacrificing and trying to live within our means. We have huge expenses coming up with Joshua’s college and Rachel’s wedding. We will do the best we can and trust God for the rest. Am I wrong not to automatically give M braces for cosmetic purposes? The sad thing is our orthodontist is a friend of the family and she did M’s first set of braces and retainer for free for us. He had horrible fangs, just horrible. And I believe he liked them because they made him different. He didn’t even want the braces. So for him to be mad because I said that is ludicrous. It wasn’t even about spending time with the family. It was about something that only concerned him.
As to shoving God down his throat I’m sure he believes that. He will not let anyone, God, parents, siblings, therapist, tell him what to do. I firmly believe he will not get well without a relationship with God. What on earth can we say or do that after 11 years hasn’t made a difference? It ticks him off that I say that. Sorry, that’s the mom you’ve been given. He is totally free to reject or accept God. Totally free. That will NOT change who I am, what I believe to be true and what is important to me or how I live my life. We go to church. Sorry. We pray. Sorry. We do family devotions. Sorry. We talk about God. Sorry. M has complete free will about this and every other choice he makes. And he KNOWS that. And he knows telling me I’m trying to shove God down his throat will tick me off. It did. I’m ranting. But I’ll get over it. The process of trusting God is no different than trusting in us. It requires stepping out in faith. M has all the head knowledge in the world but he cannot get out of the boat and take that step of faith. Believe that God loves him, believe that we love him.
Part of his argument was he didn’t want us to tell anything to this older woman who does a Bible study in her home for children, and has done this for 30 plus years. He wants to go and we won’t let him because he hasn’t earned the privilege. S goes and it puts her in an awkward position because they ask where M is. What are we supposed to say? This is a woman I love dearly and have known all my life. My son doesn’t believe in God but he’ll pray and sing and convince you he does. I tell them M is working on some attachment behaviors with us and this is best for him at this time. What do I want to say? If he doesn’t believe in God, what is the point in going to the Bible study? So he just shot himself in the foot with that one. I’m not going to “shove God down his throat” by making him go to the Bible study.
Just so you know, I’m not a Bible thumping, dress wearing, chicken keeping, crazed homeschool mom. (Not that any of those things are bad, they’re just not me. Well, crazed might not be good). I’m a mom who loves her child and will continue on this path until God removes me from it. For those who met me in Orlando, I hope you can say that I didn’t shove God down your throat, any more than I do with M.
I realize I’m opening myself up to criticism here so be gentle with me. My desire with this blog is to let other moms know you’re not alone. Hopefully my transparency will be an encouragement to you, not a condemnation of my life.