As I live this life as a trauma mom I get so weighed down by the daily battle that I lose perspective and often hope. It is a moment to moment battle of surrendering my will to God’s will. Of keeping on when I’m physically exhausted and heartbroken by another day with no seeming progress.
I do believe God has released me from the responsibility for M’s heart. I am still responsible to love him, care for him, provide for him, teach him. But I realize in my humanity there is nothing that I can say or do that will change him unless God intervenes. Unless M ALLOWS God to intervene.
I woke up this morning after going to bed early with an extreme migraine. I can never sleep late because of insomnia but I’m learning to allow myself to sleep until I wake. I usually check email and facebook for a short time and then sit in my rocking chair, gently welcoming (or actually avoiding) the day, either with my new Nano Ipod or thinking and praying. Today I put the music on and thought about how tired I was, how discouraged, not knowing how to take another step. Eventually I did get up from my chair, getting M and S up, and beginning the normal conflict. Wondering if I could skip schooling or had the energy to do something different. Trying to listen to the still, small voice of God.
We did our usual devotions, although I excused M to his room because I could feel the sabotage coming on. We started a new book. Nothing unusual. Nothing life changing. I went over two chapters of math with S which at one time would have put both of us over the edge. She listened, I instructed. It was all good.
Called M to the table to go over a book report. Instructing and teaching gave way to conversation, which usually happens in this therapeutic home. Opportunities to make connections to hearts through words and actions. These moments are rare because they require vulnerability and an open heart from both of us. Today was divinely appointed between us. The book report segued into who was he writing for, how he could express himself more clearly. How I used writing to release stress and minister to other moms.
I told him his dad so succinctly summed up his life by calling it boot camp with the purpose of subduing the will of the one for the betterment of the unit. A typical boy, M loves the idea of battles and wars and the all important winning. I went into detail about being in the army (or whatever branch) and the importance of chain of command, absolute obedience and submission to authority so that the unit would succeed. The purpose of the training is to equip the troops for war, not because the commander was cruel and heartless. It is the only way to guarantee survival for all. The commander has been charged with the safety of his troops and it’s his responsibility to prepare his men/women adequately and thoroughly, becoming confident in the unit’s ability to work as one.
For some reason, this time it appeared to register, to click for M. Hoping and praying that he can see that we don’t want to break him but build him up to be a strong warrior for God. To show him that the survival of our family rests on his ability (and that of all the other children) to submit for no other reason than it is God’s will for the success of our family. We have been entrusted as his parents to train him up, not engage in constant battle.
I told M I had asked God to break him and draw him close. Just be careful about asking God to break someone’s will. He may just break yours at the same time. Yet there is no greater place to be than in the center of God’s will.
Here’s what I put on my facebook status today:
If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. Oswald Chambers
Our family has weathered many storms, many battles. Praying today that we each cling to the One who calms the seas.