I have struggled with self-esteem issues my whole life, the feeling that my best was not good enough. I was not worth it. As an adult, I can identify what I believe and how wrong it is and how utterly degrading to my God yet I struggle.
As Tim was in the ER the other day I was scared and worried but the only thing I could think was about me (yes, I’m selfish like that). If I was sick and needed expensive treatments to survive, would I do it? I somehow believe I wouldn’t, that I wouldn’t want my family to be saddled with huge expenses and burdened with taking care of me. All those beliefs come from the lie that I’m not important. Somehow my life is not worth as much as another. My misguided thought goes against everything I believe as a Christian, that life is a gift from God and no one has the right to choose whether another person lives or dies. It is in God’s hands. That is what I SAY I believe. How does that relate to my feelings/beliefs that somehow I’m not worth it?
I cried at therapy yesterday. It was more about me than the kids because there have been so many stresses and worries and heartbreaks. She gives me a safe place to be imperfect and then encourages me to take it to God. She told me I was an encouragement to other women, to my children, my family, my niece, other trauma moms. To believe I’m at the stage in my life that I’m an “older, wiser” mom to other women. My life has a purpose even in the dark moments of loneliness and fear.
My scripture for S has always been Psalm 139. Yet, I claim it for myself, that my days are ordained by God and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:3 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
So is my life important? To God, absolutely. To me, well, I’m learning to value who I am in the Lord and what I have to offer each and every day to my family. I am irreplaceable, not perfect, so fallible, but God’s beloved daughter. I can’t begin to offer my children understanding and acceptance without first taking it from God for myself. Every day I parent my children I come closer to knowing God and His purpose for my life.