To Prospective Foster/Adopt Parents

Thank you for sharing!Pin on PinterestShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someoneShare on Google+Share on StumbleUpon

To Prospective Foster/Adopt Parents:

I can only tell you my story and hope you learn from my experience. I would guess that most adoptive parents would tell you that it’s hard. It goes beyond hard. It goes beyond anything I ever imagined my family going through.

I did not/do not feel that God has placed a ministry/heart for orphans in our lives. I do believe He called my husband and I to the idea of adoption at the same time and gave our two biological children immediate claim to this call on our family. He very clearly put three siblings in our path and showed us that they were to be ours. This is the ONLY thing that has kept me going over 11 years of fear, hell, anger, destruction, abuse and indescribable pain, both theirs and ours.

These are questions for you to ask yourself if you’re considering adopting.

Are you ready to sacrifice yourself, your desires, your dreams?

Because adoption is not about you. It’s about hurt, wounded children and their impact on your family.

Are you ready to have your body rebel and get sick from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Because that’s what happens when you are in a constant state of stress and chaos. Adopted children recreate the environment they lived in utero and in real life.
Are you ready to accept that no matter how good a parent you are to your biological kids and how well they have turned out it is not the same?
It requires skills and strength and hope and parenting that is opposite from what you used with the others.

Are you ready to have you marriage almost fall apart?
By the grace of God and intense love and faithfulness mine did not. It could have very easily.

Are you ready to be judged, criticized, forsaken and abandoned by those you called your church fellowship?
You will look like a harsh, unloving parent and that’s just the way it is.

Are you ready to lose your friends and your family?

Because that is the most likely scenario. NO ONE except other families going through the same thing will understand. NO.ONE.

Are you ready for social services to investigate you and every aspect of your parenting and home life because of false accusations?

I wasn’t but it happened.

Are you ready to accept that these precious adopted children that you love may not be okay?
They may do bad things in your home and outside of your home.

Are you ready to give them up if that’s the only thing that will save your family and them?
Don’t say it will never happen. It did. It does. Pray it doesn’t.

Are you ready to protect all the children at all costs? Install alarms for safety? Never let siblings be alone together without your supervision?

Are you ready to deal with poop and pee in a way you never thought possible and places you never dreamed of?
Praise God this was not true for us but it may be a real possibility for you.

Are you ready to be vigilant 24 hours a day?

Are you ready to be lied to, stolen from, raged against, hit, bitten and blamed for every thing in the child’s life that had absolutely NOTHING to do with you?

Are you ready to spend half your life in therapy and see little improvement if any?

Are you ready to question everything you believe about love and God?

Are you ready to hold onto God because that’s all there is left?
It has to be enough.

These things may never happen to you and your family. I believe there are some children that can be adopted that do not subject their families to these things. But it is the exception rather than the rule.

HEAR ME: I am not saying do not adopt. It is a beautiful, sacrificial, life changing gift. But there may be no rewards, no happy moments, no thank yous. If this life is for you and your family you will need that faith to cling to in the dark moments. Because there will be dark, lonely moments. A lot of them.

Thank you for sharing!Pin on PinterestShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someoneShare on Google+Share on StumbleUpon


  1. Well said

  2. Sad post but so true. Not a good recruiting tool. lol BUT so many people go in with blinders on and the classes don’t lay it out there like this because they know they will never get adoptive homes if people really understood the sacrifices. But like you said it is not about me.

    The hardesst statement is that NO ONE understands unless they are an adoptive family living it. For me this has been the hardest part and the most heart breaking, hurtful part. I can accept that Jackson may never love me because of his past but I am struggling to accept that my family has changed how they feel about me. Why can’t they see that this is what God has called me to and I am simply following?

    I was on the phone with my sister yesterday and she was comparing life with adopted children to her life with a children that will always have the mind of a 5 year old, another child with a liver condition and another child that was born with 2 club feet. I wanted so bad to say it’s not the same. “You know they love you and always will, and tyhe will never try to harm you or destroy your life.” But I didn’t because I know she will NEVER understand that feeling…it’s just not possible.

    Thank you for your honesty. There are some blessings but it is very hard to see them esp. when adopting older children. This is a tough path but knowing I am in the center of God’s will is all the peace I need.

    God is smiling on you. You are a great mom!!!!

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. I started crying when I read your eloquent words. They are spoken from the heart of woman with love; one who has the unfortunate t-shirt that says she’s been there and done that.

    I am going to link to your blog because you said heartfelt emotions so well. I would love it if people understood that by telling them they have NO IDEA of what’s ahead, they didn’t get defensive, but instead opened up their brains and heart to soak in the lessons of those of us who have lived it. We want to help and prepare them, not debate adoption. Education isn’t always pretty, but it is oh so necessary!

  5. thanks for posting that, if I’d known what I know now 10 years ago would I have said yes? I honestly don’t know…probably…because this is the heart of God to take care of orphans and widows….and I know that somewhere, sometime there will be blessing, even if they are far and few between down here!

  6. Brava!!

    Wasn’t Easter fun?

    You are always in my thoughts.

  7. So well said! I’m not to the point where I can say I’d do it again. I pray I get there though.

  8. Thank you for your honesty.

    Sadly, I can relate to almost everything that you wrote.

    Probably the most difficult thing for me has been losing my church family … the church we attended for over 9 years … the church that had walked us through some very difficult times … the church we thought would BE THERE for us if our adoption was difficult. But. No. We lost all of our friends. Every. Single. One.

    I have never been so ALONE in my whole life.

    I never dreamed of the pain that would come because of this adoption. Never. In my wildest dreams, could I have imagined the journey that we have walked.

    So hard. So sad.

    Would I do it again? I don’t know that I would.


  9. Someone told me these exact same things a few years ago and we backed out of a potential adoption as a result. To this day, I don’t regret it for a minute. A life of trauma correction is not for everyone and we may be up for it at some point in our lives after our bio-son is grown but we weren’t at the time. And I’m ok with that. And I’m really glad this woman told me what she did so I knew what I might be getting into.

  10. Everything you wrote (and more) is what happened to us with our sibling pair. Would I have adopted them if someone had told me this up front? Probably. I didn’t believe ANY of the naysayers.

    I’m actually even thinking about doing it again, but Hubby will probably never allow it. Unless one of my adopted children’s bio sibs comes available.


  11. This is so right on, I love your post.

    The one thing no one talks about that really bothers me, is that adoption can and will cause the child further trauma and can and will cause an attachment disorder. A child can have dealt with the issues life has handed them but that last “placement” into your home can CAUSE attachment and trauma disorders.

  12. Although it’s not a great recruitment tool, this should be used at all foster/adopt classes. This is very real.

Speak Your Mind