Are You Afraid?

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For those of you who write quite transparently, are you ever afraid? 
Having gone through false accusations with an adopted child, I know the absolute helplessness of being investigated for something that was totally wrong and uncalled for. 
The quickened heartbeat when the doorbell rings.
 Social Services standing at the door.
Do you let them in, ask for papers, slam the door in their face?
I will never, ever forget it.
I think I’ve forgiven the child, but quite possibly not.
There is no restoration with an emotionally scarred child, at least not at this time.
So to those of you who tell so much more of your story than me
do you fear the possible repercussions and loss of parental control?
Do you wish you could tell it all on your blog
or do you always ask yourself before you hit publish if this is the right thing to do?
I battle the desire to help others live through the indescribable pain
 of raising a child with emotional and mental health issues
with hiding under a rock for fear of being too transparent
or hurting someone in the process.
Or worse yet, putting my family in jeopardy.
I don’t know how to balance that. Do you?
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Comments

  1. Yes. There is sometimes fear.

    I do not share as much as some … but I share a lot more than others.

    We, too, have been investigated due to false accusations. The knock on the door. The interrogation. Horrible memories!

    Once we had found a new adoptive family for our son, they threatened us due to my blog. They made ultimatums, “You must take any reference and photo of him off of your blog TODAY, or we won’t adopt him.” It was HORRIBLE. I could not erase 2.5 years of our family’s life in one day. I was unwilling to pretend that we had never adopted him.

    They didn’t want anyone to ever track him and find out what he had done. On the other hand, he was a se*ual predator and I was not going to pretend that he wasn’t. If someone (ie: police) somehow need to track him down in the future, I will not for a minute pretend that he doesn’t have a history of se*ual abuse. I stood my ground; I did not erase him from our life; the other family proceeded with the adoption. But, the stress of it all was HORRIBLE.

    My desire for honesty … my desire for transparency … my absolute disgust of blogs that pretend adopting is a fairytale … my desire to help others walking this walk … is more powerful than my fear. I will continue to tell the truth.

    I pray that the Lord will help you to know exactly how much YOU should share. Don’t compare yourself to others, just do what He calls you to do. I pray that He gives you peace, which will push away the fear.

    Hoping your week is BLESSED!

    Laurel 🙂

  2. Like Laurel, I too struggle with what to share, what not to share. There is so much I choose not to share because I have to draw the line somewhere in protecting our son’s privacy. I pray, alot, about what to blog and what not to blog. But, the funniest thing is that the ones I struggle the most with, that’s the ones that strike a chord with others.

    So, I continue to blog, and hope it helps. I continue to pray, and ask that our Lord leads me in what is best to share.

    People need to know that adoption is not easy, that there is pain and loss associated with it, and that some kids won’t heal from the garbage they’ve been put through.

    I don’t know where we would be as a family if I hadn’t found you ladies and your blogs. I don’t know if we would have survived. I’m thankful for the bloggers who are transparent, and I’m thankful for the friendships I’ve been blessed with as a result.

    Love you, (((Marty))). Continue listening to the HS. He will continue to guide you and show you what to be transparent with.

  3. I dabbled in blogging before Orlando… a bit… got there and heard of a trauma momma experiencing legal repercussions from her blog. I shut it down fast… locked it up tight.

    I am so tremendously comforted, not that others have gone through it, but that I am not alone.

    I feel I need to share our story. I never imagined for a moment our RAD could make false allegations and have one of us carried out in handcuffs… with a legal NIGHTMARE to clean up… EVEN THOUGH WE ARE INNOCENT.

    I’m blogging our story as anonymously as I know how. (still don’t if I’m doing it right.)

    It is our experience… if there’s a law against sharing my experience anonymously well then by-golly lock me up!

    I think the hardest part has been wondering why “no one warned us.” when every professional (Judges, lawyers, counselors, police, etc etc etc…) told us they see this ALL THE TIME.

    Oh, and the bonus is our false-allegating-RAD went to community college and now carries a gun and a badge!

    We find that forgiveness is a decision we HAVE TO WALK OUT DAILY.

    Unforgiveness is an emotion that can pop it’s ugly head again and again!!!! BUT we have to decide to walk out forgiveness. It is a choice not a feeling.

    We fight unforgiveness by praying all kinds of amazing blessings for those who have yet to seek out our forgiveness,and continue to walk out hate against us.

    “Father forgive them, (and help us want to forgive them) they know not what they do!!!”

  4. Marty… I don’t blog. Your concern is one of the reasons. I’ve already had two run-ins with CPS, both false allegation. Maybe I should say folks who had incomplete knowledge of the situation. I love and appreciate your blog. Your honesty and spiritual applications are inspiring. But, you have to put your family and the safety and security of all of you first. I will miss you if you choose to take a break, but will continue to lift you in prayer.
    Blessings,
    Lucy
    BTW… I think we don’t live too terribly far from one another.

  5. Yes, there’s always fear. But honestly, there’s also a lot of documentation there of what has been going on on my blog as well. It’s also a record of our own healing journey and the progress our kids have made. No, I’m not perfect…and my blog shows that as well. I’m with the others, though. People need to know that it’s not a fairy tale and that bringing these kids into your life can turn your family inside out, upside down, and then stomp all over it. I need to write for my own sanity, too. I need the support network that I’ve found because of it. And, just like my kids, I need to live my life not paralyzed by fear.

    I’ve been reported and investigated before. In fact, I’ve been reported at least 4 times now. Each time I knew we had nothing to hide and that we’d clear everything, which we have. After the last time we were reported, we finally took the bull by the horns.

    Of all the things we’ve done wrong along the way, there’s one thing I’m absolutely sure of now that we did right. We made friends with DCFS. We brought them into our life voluntarily and they’re still in our lives voluntarily. They know I blog and I often share my blog entries with them (cut and paste style.) But, I’m also quite well aware (and so are they) that if they really wanted to, they could find my blog with a simple search. And even if they didn’t find MY blog, that easy search would find at least 5 others that link to me. It no longer scares me that they would read it. They know me, they know the real story, and very often they know a LOT more than I ever put on my blog.

  6. We “made friends” with our local police detective. We reported our son, before he “reported” false allegations about us.

    When we did go through the CPS investigation, and were actually found “guilty”, our local police detective wrote the most wonderful letter on our behalf, which resulted in our case being changed to “unfounded”.

    As Diana said, it is good to have someone “on your side”.

  7. Wife to the Rockstar says:

    Tears.

  8. Honestly, I do not blog about our journey, but I constantly worry. My kiddo with RAD has already caused a run-in with CPS (and he’s 9). I am a teacher as well, so it had the potential of ruining my career. Thank God it was unfounded…”professionals” at his school had partial information and ran with it.

    I appreciate those who are courageous enough to blog…simply because these blogs are what get me through.

  9. Being investigated is traumatic. Truly. BTDT. In reference to that I believe that ultimately God is in control.

    That being said… I have recently started blogging. As a single mom I have needed an outlet/a place to vent, to form a support network and a means to convey a general “synopsis” of “and this is our life.” I want my friends and contacts to understand not only my parenting choices but also the “whys” behind the behavour – that I do not have a “spoiled rotten” child but rather a child of trauma. And now *I* am finding it difficult at times to hit the “publish” button questioning myself in the sharing of, ironically, those things that I most need to vent out and seek guidance and support for, LOL!

    Ultimately though – I believe God is in control.

  10. The one time we were investigated had wasn’t due to a false allegation (we had a very distubed aggressive child who got a minor injury during a rage), but I have had threats of false allegations from one of my RAD kids. Honestly I think our best protection has been to document, document, document. I tell my daughter that she can make her allegations if she must, but most likely no one will believe her because she’s made threats before and I’ve reported them every time. Honestly I’m not sure I’m right, but she’s believed me and hasn’t bothered to make the reports.

    I keep on blogging. I try to protect the truly personal, while still sharing and getting support. I hope that if someday the children or CPS or whomever ever read my blog then they will feel that I’ve been empathetic and fair.

    Mary

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