I didn’t work myself up to sharing a Father’s Day post because I’m just feeling like everything is hitting me right now. So many big things happening in our lives. Approaching some endings and some new beginnings. And yes, some same old stuff, too, ad nauseam. (I just looked that word up since blogger told me I didn’t spell it right. Which I didn’t. Dang, my spelling is going out the window along with my mind. Anyway….it means to a disgusting extent. I like that. It expresses perfectly what our kids do every day. Same old behaviors, to a disgusting extent. Lying, to a disgusting extent. Manipulating, to a disgusting extent. Controlling, to a disgusting extent. Yeah, that about sums it up.)
We celebrated Father’s Day on Saturday night with everyone here. Great dinner followed by conversation, presents and games. We laughed more than I can ever remember, letting loose and enjoying the moment. Because somewhere in the back of each of our minds is the fact that life is changing. Will continue to change. Normal will be different. Not bad but different.
I hate change. Gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. Takes my breath away. My relationship with my two older children will be forever changed. Adults finding their way in the world. I know I will still be part of their lives but it will be different. We will have to work to find a new normal. I’m okay with this a lot of the time but some days it just grabs me and shakes me to my core. Especially when their dad gets emotional and says he will miss them. My rock of a husband can be a softie at times.
Don’t lecture me how this is the goal of all of parenting. I know that. I’m content with the adult children I see before me. I enjoy them most of the time. I long to spend special time with them and not miss the moment because of exhaustion or frustration or depression. But I grieve for the life I see ahead. Not for them. But for the change. It will be different and I don’t know what that looks like.