This is a post that has been “percolating” in me for a few weeks. It is a painful area of my life that I often fail at. Trusting God with our finances, or lack thereof.
I am not a person who relies on “things” to fill me.
I love getting a deal, saving money, stretching every penny. I delight in the things we are given or handed down or the great deal that comes through perseverance. I believe I’m using my gifts when I am a good steward.
I don’t need nice things. If I had a million dollars I still wouldn’t spend it on frivolous things, such as clothes that cost a fortune because of the brand or eating out at the most expensive restaurants.
I wouldn’t have a fancy car that I probably couldn’t even figure out.
I like my 1995 Windstar. No, change that. I love my van. It had 100 miles on it when we bought it. We’re the only owners and it has 118,000 miles now. My husband has worked hard to keep it looking new and we take care of it. I laughingly said many, many years ago that our daughter (now 22) would learn to drive on it. She did. We plan to use it until it falls apart, hopefully many years from now.
I would like to complete some badly needed updates to our home. We’ve been here 20 years so obviously we’re attached to it. I don’t need a bigger or more modern house. It would be nice not to feel so cramped but I don’t NEED it.
As I’ve thought and prayed about this specific issue in my life I have realize this is a huge trust issue for me. It is all about security. I would like to not have to worry about money. I don’t mind pinching pennies and stretching but my true self is fearful that there won’t be enough. I would love to know there was money in the bank, a retirement account for our later years, opportunities to take a 25th anniversary trip, assistance for our kids when they need it. When my mom’s accounts were settled there were some funds that came to me and for a brief period of time I knew what it felt like to have extra. We’ve never had much extra. Many times there hasn’t been enough and we’ve had to use credit. I hate it but that has been part of the process of letting go and trusting God that He will work it all out in the end.
As I have proofed this post the line about “not having to worry about money” hit me over the head. I DON’T have to worry about money. Whether we have it or not, are struggling or in bounty, it is MY choice to worry. Ouch. I don’t like that about myself. I have fought that all my life because that is a family trait.
What am I worried about? Worried that we might become homeless? Go without food? That is not any type of reality for us now and hopefully will never be. So why worry?
What is God really saying to me? I don’t trust Him enough to believe that He will provide. Day by day. Need by need. I’m just like the Israelites wandering in the desert. God provided manna and quail for THAT DAY only. The Israelites couldn’t save it for a midnight snack. They had to trust that each morning God would be faithful to fulfill His promise. Yet after years of doing that very thing the Israelites grumbled. Complained. Wanted more. Oh, how I am so much like them. I really don’t crave after worldly things but I do crave the security that an ample income provides. Security to know if something happens we have a supply to fall back on. Security to know that I can take care of myself. Not be a burden to others. Having only enough for today means I have to get up every morning believing His word is true. He will provide for my every need. I have to trust that He has it all planned out and wants to bless me in want or in plenty.
So there is one of the biggest trust issues in my life. What is yours?