Many Sides to Adoption

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Lots and lots of thoughts roaming around. Have patience with me while I sort through them. Be gentle with me if you don’t agree or can’t understand.

Because of the Circle of Moms contest many different voices are being heard regarding adoption. These can only be of benefit if we listen to each other’s stories and find a safe place without criticism.

There is danger in seeking only to read those blogs that confirm what you believe, desire to believe or are scared into believing. It is hard to have compassion for someone you don’t even try to understand.

I am an adoptive mom. I did not spend my entire pre-adoption life thinking I could save the world through adoption. I was able to have two biological children. I didn’t need to adopt to fulfill some unmet need.

I didn’t go into adoption thinking what a wonderful person I would be for saving an unwanted helpless child. I deserve no accolades for being obedient to God’s call on my life. I am not a saint.

Things happened. Bad things. To our entire family. We were not equipped. We were not taught. We were lost.

We have not quit on our children. We are estranged from our oldest adopted daughter. We still parent her younger siblings every.single.day. For 12 years now. We are challenged by them and also challenge them to grow and stretch and seek answers.

By connecting with other moms via the internet I have found a community of moms who understand the challenges and sometimes desperation of parenting a child with RAD, mental illness and other special needs.

We talk about adoption. A lot. We talk about their birth parents and the things we know for fact. I will be transparent and say in the worst moments during this journey I could not find anything nice to say about their birth parents. I was too hurt and confused and overwhelmed. I tried to just keep my mouth shut but I failed miserably at times. We talk about this, too. If it affects our children, we talk about it.

We have all made mistakes. Birth parents. Extended birth family. Adoptive parents. Adoptive siblings. Social workers. Church members. We have judged and been judged. we have criticized and been criticized. We are all human.

Our two have been told that when they become of legal age, if they want to find their birth family, I will give them all the information I have and will accompany them if they want/need me to. I tell them I honestly expect that their birth family will be part of their future and the process of discovering who they are and why they have the feelings they do. I don’t resent that in any way nor am I particularly fearful of that day. I know it’s something they need to decide on their own when they’re ready. I expect it will be different for both of mine, even though they are bio siblings. Their journeys look different and they have different stories and needs.

I don’t feel threatened by their bio mom. I am grateful that she gave my kids life and we are the family we are because of the decisions that were made by her and the bio father.

I pray for their oldest bio sister, that she is safe, with people in her life to uplift her and encourage her to make wise and safe decisions.

I know this is rambling and disjointed. When something touches my heart, either for good or bad,  it is sometimes hard to find perspective.

Adoption is about loss. Period. For everyone involved.

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Comments

  1. Beautiful, thoughtful ramblings …

    Thanks for sharing.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. Thanks for sharing. I agree.

  3. I have an adopted son. I have been reading your blogs for about an hour, really enjoying them. This last line surprised me as it is inconsistent with all of your other messages and I am confused “Adoption is about loss. Period. For everyone involved”. If a child goes to a loving family from whatever unloving situation they are in that is a GAIN for everyone, not a loss. I gained a son, he gained a loving family, etc. No loss……but I love your blog and your family. God Bless you and your family

    • Thanks so much for commenting, Linda. From my experiences with adoption, every adopted child feels some sense of loss at some point in their lives. Maybe not to the extent mine did but at least a loss of knowledge and understanding of where they came from. I know there are some adoptions that are amazingly “simple” in that the child becomes attached and thrives. For our children that came from the foster care system there was a world of hurt and pain involved, and quite certainly, loss. For us, it was the loss of innocence in believing that parenting an adopted child would be the same as a biological one. We would just love them and they would be okay. Sometimes when the child is so damaged emotionally, love is not enough. We have gained so much from parenting our adopted children and they have a family that loves them completely, but the journey has still involved loss. I appreciate your taking the time to connect and hope you will be blessed from what I write about.

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