I can speak from personal experience about the decision of disrupting an adoption. You can read our story here. Although the adoption with B was not disrupted, she left our home to go to an RTC and never came home to live with us again.
I have heard many rumblings from families considering disruption of an adoption. Extreme agony, broken relationships, condemnation and outright heartbreak.
After all, you are their forever family. You are the one who will stay with them no matter what. You will be able to fix their wounds by loving them unconditionally. You promised them, right?
This post is my personal belief about disruption, from a place of great pain and little hope. I can’t tell you what to do. I can only relate to you our story. Just know that someone else understands and does not condemn.
After our B revealed the se*ual abuse done to her and the abuse she continued in our home, our therapist, a godly woman whom I trust with my life, told us it was time for her to go get help beyond what she, and we, could give her. There was no conscience there, no regret for her actions and a deliberate attempt to continue to hurt our family.
Because our adoption was domestic our kids have Med*caid. We had to involve mental health services, contact the RTC and were interviewed with B. The police and social services, as well as the prosecutor, were involved. She was examined at the hospital for signs of se*ual abuse (that happened years earlier). Her younger siblings had to be interviewed by family services. (They didn’t reveal anything because it took them YEARS of therapy to deal with that piece of their history.) B’s parents were interviewed but the father was not charged because there was a “statue of limitations” for rape in their home state (the state where it occurred.) All B’s history was examined to decide if she was appropriate for this facility.
B was not physically aggressive towards us but she had to be constantly monitored, with alarms on doors and no interaction with siblings. I did not endure the physical abuse that so many of you have, but the mental and emotional abuse was overwhelmingly real. I never knew what she was capable of and the presence of evil in our home was palpable.
Let me just say that if an adult admitted to se*ually abusing a child they would be charged and arrested. They would certainly be removed from the home. As long as B was in our home her younger bio siblings would have to deal with fear, insecurity, anger and threats from their older sister. Lack of safety was a very real concern.
While most would see it as giving up, I view it as valuing EVERY member of the family and making the sacrifice to release a child into another home or facility where healing is a possibility and safety is a given.
I believe strongly in the sibling trauma bond. I fully believe that M and S would never have healed in our home with their bio sib B still here. It has been difficult enough with just the two of them because they share unhealthy experiences and bonds that had to be broken before healing could begin.
No matter what decision is made it will be heartbreaking. You will feel like a failure. God will seem distant and uncaring. Friends will forsake you because their lack of understanding allows them to withdraw from your life. Your finances will suffer, your family will mourn and life will be overwhelming.
It has taken years but I feel God has released me from the job of parenting B. We never truly bonded because there were too many secrets in her life. But we continued to show caretaking love through the years. I hope that one day things will be different but for this time in my life I am content that we made the right choice for US. No one can make the choice for your family but you.