Been a bit silent around the blog. I seem to go in spurts with my writing. Lots of ideas, not enough time. Same old struggles, too tired to share. I am in a period of discouragement with my son M. One would think I should know better by now. From this place of progress to this predictable place of setbacks, I should know better. For my son, from Thanksgiving until his birthday at the end of February represents a time frustration and disappointment. Every year it marks a time of “dwelling in the pit.” This post and this post are reminders that it happens every year. My optimistic self so hoped this was the one year that would see my son set free from his bondage.
This isn’t the year. Maybe next year. Maybe not. To be honest, it makes me crazy. I have
lost my mind not done well at not engaging M. The therapeutic parent/teacher in me just tries so hard to get through to him, knowing that it is futile unless he’s willing to be different. I have to shut down in response to him because if I don’t the pain he inflicts on me will ruin my Christmas and seriously affect my family. I have to remove myself from being drawn into his pit. After all these years I should know when to leave him alone and let him be completely miserable until the day he’s willing to accept responsibility and move on.
Revelation for me: Tim has buzzed M’s hair for quite a few years. For some reason he wanted to grow it out. When it gets longer I take over the hair responsibility. I have trimmed it for him once and it needs cutting badly now. The last time I trimmed it he was completely anxious and jittery. It didn’t dawn on me until last night that he’s afraid of the intimacy of me having my hands on his head. Tim doesn’t pose a “threat” to his heart but I do. M has not hugged me or asked for hugs in several days. I really hadn’t paid attention because I don’t sit here and count the times my kids hug me. It’s just normal life. But when M is in the pit he withdraws physically as well. His hugs become uncomfortable.
Tim and I have talked about how hard M has worked for him as we have been replacing carpet with Pergo flooring in the entire back of our house. Huge exhausting project right here during the holidays. It is much easier for M to do the work when the outcome is a finished project rather than working on his heart with the outcome of a relationship. It hurts my heart but this is the truth for my son. Will it always be this way? I pray that it will not. Only time will reveal that answer. Hoping I have the strength and endurance to finish this race.