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Do You Love Your Adopted Child as Much as Your Biological One?

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In this heart wrenching post, a bio and adoptive mom answers every parent’s question. Do you love your adopted child as much as your biological one?

A little girl smiling at the camera

Recently on a Facebook post I received the following comment.

I find it difficult to get past the distinctions in your children: my daughter, my grandson (those ones are really yours), my adopted daughter, my adopted son (these ones you’re allowing to live with your family). Don’t you think they see this? I’ve never heard of anyone doing this before and have family and friends who have adopted children and they are all just sons and daughters like their other children.

I realize after so many years of writing about our story that my new readers may wonder why in the heck I’m constantly differentiating between my adopted and biological children.

The question this reader was really asking was this.

Do you love your adopted child as much as your biological one?

Let me make this clear from the start.

MY KIDS ARE MY KIDS. PERIOD.

I don’t introduce some as adopted and some as bio. I do, however, sometimes differentiate them on the blog and social media because this is the story God has been writing on my heart for the last 16 years.

Through deep, dark valleys and mountain tops of joy, THIS IS OUR STORY.

A view of a forest

Do You Love Your Adopted Child as Much as Your Biological One?

How is their story even any different?

My bio kids were loved before they were even a sparkle in our eyes.

My adopted kids were not.

My bio kids were showered with unconditional love, safety and health.

My adopted kids were not.

My adopted kids were abused and neglected, experiencing hurts no child should ever have to live through.

My bio kids were not.

My adopted kids have spent years learning to attach and trust us because of their wounded hearts.

My bio kids attached naturally in their early years, developing a solid foundation with us as their parents.

I have spent years pouring into all my children, but especially my adopted kids, often sacrificing my health, time, emotions, dreams and desires.

I DON’T REGRET ONE SINGLE MOMENT OF THAT TIME AND INVESTMENT.

Yet, if anything, it was my bio kids who suffered from a lack of time with me. 

A woman posing for a picture

Let’s face it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Because of their heart wounds, my adopted kids acted out in behaviors that were all consuming, 24/7 for years. YEARS. If you don’t live this life you can’t possibly even comprehend what I’m talking about.

I don’t judge you for that. Don’t judge me for what you haven’t lived.

I could choose to be resentful for my bio kids that our desire for obedience to God led to years filled with heartache and brokenness.

I’m not resentful at all. I CHOOSE TO EMBRACE HEALING and God’s greater purpose on all our lives.

I believe each of my children has a purpose and a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) far greater than any I could personally dream up for them. 

A man and woman posing for a photo

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, even when brokenness is the only life you know.

Why do I share what many would consider our family’s dirty laundry?

God has very clearly opened doors and written on my heart a message of HOPE and PASSION for reaching women, moms or not, adoptive or not, that feel very alone. 

Women who are longing for community and connection, the way I was eight years ago when I began blogging. 

Even this week as I suffered a stinging hurt, God spoke to me and revealed He was going to make sure my writing continued to reflect genuine truth and vulnerability.

Every word pours out of me from the blood, sweat, and tears of my life. I have lived every word I have written on this blog.

My heart is splayed open to encourage others that THERE IS MORE THAN JUST PAIN IN THIS WORLD.

It is terrifying, vulnerable and often powerless to know the world reads and judges me. Yet here I am, typing away, because THIS IS MY CALLING.

I cannot run from it. 

Ask my family.

A group of people posing for the camera

ASK MY YOUNGEST ADOPTED CHILDREN.

I have wept before them when I explained I carry every single detail of our story with great responsibility, asking God before I hit publish on a post, praying the words I write are from Him, for His glory, not mine. Their story is precious to me and I would never dream of hurting them in any way.

My adopted daughter told me I have to be obedient to my calling, regardless of the cost. This strong young woman embraces who she is in Christ, no longer a victim but an overcomer.

Heart and Parent

My adopted son implored me to please share his story if it will help another person.

I looked into his eyes this past Sunday and told him I was proud of him. Not because of anything he did but because of who is. Despite years of pain and struggle this young man received my words and believed them.

Heart and Parent

THIS IS WHY I SHARE OUR STORY, to give hope to the hurting family.

This is the culture in which we’ve raised our children. Serving others is greater than serving ourselves.

We die to ourselves so that others might see a God of hope and restoration.

In all things we seek to glorify God.

In our failures the world more clearly sees a perfect God.

To the woman who left me the comment, thank you so much for touching my heart and allowing God to stir up my PASSION and JOY. 

God is good. All the time.

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28 Comments

  1. As a fellow adoptive blogger mom with one bio, I know exactly what you are talking about. I always say that being able to help others is part of Gods plan for redeeming the loss and pain we have lived with through the years. God bless as you continue living the life God called you too.

    1. Hi, Sandra. Thank you for your encouraging words. There is definitely healing in helping others who are living through this same situation. Adoption always represents pain but always love. I’m so glad you shared your thoughts with me today!

  2. Yes, from an outsider looking in they may not see your heart and understand why you word your story the way you do but hopefully they look closer, read your whole story to see what those of us who know you see, a woman who loves The Lord, serves her family with humility, owns her mistakes, grows daily in wisdom that she cries out for from God, shares her heart with all its vulnerabilities and prays that the words on her page will go out and help anyone who reads them. ❤️

    1. Hey, Tina. You’re so sweet to leave a comment and encourage me. So many who read don’t know me in real life, but you and I have had conversations and shared our hearts. Love you, sweet friend!

  3. As the mom of eight; 3 bio, 4 adopted, and 1 by legal guardianship, I understand exactly what you are saying. There are times in the telling of our story that we have to differentiate, but that doesn’t mean any child is more or less OUR child. People who have never adopted or cared for these kids don’t always get this.

    1. Hi, Deb. What a wonderful family you have! Our children have different stories but that makes them no less ours. I know others who haven’t adopted don’t understand but I’m just here to write the words that God has given me to speak. Thank you so much for your sharing yours!

  4. I am so glad that God has given and continues to give you courage to share. I know that I am encouraged in knowing that there are others who struggle daily to fulfill God’s will for their lives. Life is very messy, thanks for not being afraid to share that.

    1. Thank you for your support and encouragement, Marcy. I write because I must and because it is a lifeline to those who struggle as I do. Thank you for your “real life” friendship! Love you!

  5. You know I am with you 100%. We’ve had many not understand and cherish those who do. It’s a journey. So thankful for your sharing your families journey. It’s been a blessing to me personally.

    1. Hi, Deborah. Thanks for the comment love! Always grateful for your support along the way. It certainly seems like neither of us has a dull moment at least! Love you, girl!

  6. Thank you for sharing this, Marty. I question sometimes why I share our story. My children are not in the same place yours are (loving acceptance and the offer to share their story), but I know our story still needs to be told. You’re a good mom and your children are blessed to have you.

    Love, Mary

    1. Hi, Mary. I know your kids struggle and I’m so sorry but you desire to help others and you share your story from that place. We try to make sense of a world and life that doesn’t make sense. You are a good mom as well and you love your kids even if they can’t see it or feel it. Mine are not always at a place of loving acceptance but I just keep walking the path of obedience. Sometimes it’s full of joy and sometimes it’s a very lonely one. Hugs to you!

  7. Thank you for encouragement for a new foster soon to be adoptive mom. I needed this and God provides all we need when we need it. It’s encouraging and I am thankful I came across this. Many blessings to you and your family.

    1. Hi, Melinda. I’m so glad my post was helpful and encouraging to you. Much has transpired since I wrote this and we have been challenged to cling to God at each step of the way. Just remember you are planting seeds and He alone produces the harvest. Blessings to you!

  8. Excellent Article.. I have 4 Bio and 2 adopted..jave fostered over 50. They are all our and yes some days it is a struggle . The constant questioning of why we do this, ” you must be crazy”
    Your article says out all.
    People say they are so lucky to have you but we think. We are so Blessed to have them.
    God is Good.
    Thank you for this uplifting article.

    1. Hi, Mary. What a blessing you have been to so many children in your parenting journey, and as you said, you have been blessed abundantly along the way. Thank you for sharing it with me! Blessings!

  9. Such an eloquent and expressive answer. God is indeed good ALL the time; because we are human, we can’t see or imagine His plans, but they are there all the same. So take what seems like eons to work out, but they do, and our faith sustains and encourages us in times of good and bad. Thank you for the love, compassion, and patience you show each of your children, your family members, and others in the world. I appreciate the telling of your story in so many ways. It is a conduit for healing; not just for you–you can’t even imagine how many you benefit. Keep up the good work!

    1. Hi, Nancy. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I do pray my words help others while still keeping many parts of our story private. Being a parent is difficult, regardless of the circumstances! Blessings to you!

  10. You nearly made me cry!!! I am new at your blog, but what I adore the most is your sincere writing.
    I totally understand your words. Thanks for opening your heart for all of us.

    Big hug from Spain,
    Charo

  11. What a silly question. We have 3 bio, 2 adopted. We love them all fully and totally. Different, the same? What does that even mean? Thank you for sharing.

  12. Your story about your son’s room lead me to the page on your Children. It touched my heart, which is very heavy now, due to the recent loss of my son. I completely understand because my ex husband took my son in Court, in Georgia, your child can choose the parent they want to live with. This is regardless of the Parents bad habits or parenting skills. After, my son left me to live with his Dad he quit school at age 14 and was allowed to run the streets with a 4 wheeler and money in his pocket. This lead to my heartache. I just lost him in June 2021.

    1. Cathy, I’m so very sorry. I understand the heartbreak and grief when life is out of control. I appreciate you sharing just a bit of your story. Hold onto hope that God is still good even when life isn’t. Sending you much love <3

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