Motherhood: Rewarding and Heartbreaking Journey

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A stone bench sitting next to a forest

As I watched my oldest daughter’s journey to motherhood I was grateful to play an active part in her life and now in my precious grandson’s life.

From the very beginning Rachel was full of questions and transparency.

Did it take you long to get pregnant?

Did you have morning sickness when you were pregnant with me?

When did you get over the morning sickness?

When did you feel me kick?

Did your feet swell this bad?

Will I be a good mom?

Some questions I could answer and some I could not.

Yes, I had morning sickness and yes, it will end eventually.

I don’t remember how far along I was when I felt the first kick but it was amazing.

Your feet may be sausages but they will return to normal!

You will be a great mom!

After Aiden’s birth she told me she knew she was made for this.


Honest and transparent feelings from a first time new mom will reassure that faith and love will see you through! from Marty's Musings

The greatest reward and heartbreak all rolled up in the same calling.

Being a mom has been my greatest joy and most humbling experience.

I have documented the many ways my biological and adopted children have both challenged and completed me.

Everything I believe about this sacred calling has been tested beyond understanding.

A few months ago I watched my youngest adopted son cradle his newborn nephew and was struck by the goodness of God. 

A man holding a baby

When Rachel and Aiden left I knocked at the door of my son’s room and told him I was sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to cuddle him like I did Aiden.

He told me it was okay and I said no, it was not.

His reply? No, it really wasn’t but that’s why he liked to love on Aiden.

My mother’s heart burst with both pride and heartbreak at the same time.

I couldn’t possibly have known at the time the turmoil and chaos going on in our son’s heart and mind.

The immense chasm of brokenness that separated him from the loving relationships of family would cause him to make decisions that would forever change his life and ours.

A wooden bench sitting next to a forest

Last night I went to visit him in his group home, where he tries to build a new life for himself at the age of sixteen.

I took him his favorite foods; peanut butter and jelly sandwich fixins, oreos and granola bars.

His hair was long, his voice barely speaking above a mutter, and the first words out of his mouth as always were, “I’m tired.”

He is struggling with night terrors and his sleep is restless and disturbed.

The hard work in therapy is causing him to start to relive his childhood abuse. The floodgates of pain and helplessness are starting to open, and my brave son is willing to walk through the valley to get to the other side. 

A close up of a street

I am proud of this young man yet my heart breaks with every glance at his forlorn face.

No, son. You won’t be spending Thanksgiving with us this year. 

I know, Mom. 

There are just so many hurts and relationships to be repaired as you work through the choices you’ve made. Next year doesn’t have to be this way.

First Birthday Ideas - Marty's Musings

He just looks aimlessly into my eyes.

You can come home later in the weekend and eat your favorite foods and spend some time with your dad and I and your sister.

I will  never give up hope on you.

Whether it takes a year, or ten or a lifetime, you are my son.

The words choked in my throat, and even now as I type this, the tears stream down my cheeks. 

This is not the way I envisioned my family, separated on our favorite holiday, celebrating our blessing jar tradition apart from one we love.

Family Blessing Jar - Marty's Musings

None of us has escaped without scars, the hurts of living out God’s love in a broken world.

Yet our God is still good and loving, an ever present help in times of trouble.

The road to healing is a slow one, but I will never give up hope.

Psalm 62:5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

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  1. Again I just want to say thank you for sharing your life story with us. Although I only know you through your blog I still feel as though we are friends and would be very good friends if we had the pleasure of really knowing each other. Your heart is so pure and that is something that I rarely find in other women today. Sending love to you my friend.

    1. Thank you so much, Natalie! It would be wonderful to meet you in real life and you know just never know what God has planned! I appreciate the encouragement tremendously!

  2. My heart is aching for you and your family, hun {{{hugz}}}.

    I personally have been Disowned by my Biological family so I have some of the same feelings as your son is struggling to get through and I was abused Sexually, Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally. Even at the age of 43 I am still struggling with PTSD.

    Keep encouraging your son and also tell him I am so proud of him for facing his fears and to remember that with God he is more than a conqueror and that He can do all things through Christ which strengthens him.

    One thing you all can do is to give him cards thanking him for the blessings he has been in your lives especially at this time when he really needs that love.

    I am praying for you all {{{hugz}}}

    1. Hi, Karen. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your heartache. I know that freedom from abuse is a lifelong journey and I’m so sorry for what you went through. I do know God is the only true healer and that He can create beauty from the ashes. I know my son will remember how much we love him and the faith we’ve shared with him, no matter whether we are with him or not. God bless you this Thanksgiving!

  3. Nothing I can say will make this any better for you and the family. I am just so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now. There are some days where it is only your faith that can get you thru and I know you already know that there are many things to be thankful for. I look forward to reading your posts for Thanksgiving in 2016 when this young man, your son, will be sitting at the table with his family and giving thanks for that special moment.

    1. Hi, Jane. What sweet words of kindness. I look forward to the day when our son will be much further along in his journey. It’s hard to watch him hurt and struggle and know that my role is to step back at this point in his life. I have no doubts whatsoever at this place we’re at but I do know is grieves us all. You are right in that our faith gets us through each day. God bless you.